UPmag.net - Humor Central

Warning!!!

2011-04-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

*WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD* *!!!*
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' South Texas road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement'. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morningsymphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase..

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.

With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Just Released!!!

2011-02-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

Obama's briefing before he arrived at NMU

Aide: "No, mittens. Now, for your opening quip, remember that people in the U.P. do not root for the Detroit Lions."

Obama: "They don't? But it's Michigan."

Aide: "Two things at work there, Mr. President. First, the Lions are the Lions. There aren't a lot of doctorate degrees in the U.P., but people know a loser when they see one. Then there's the fact that Detroit is something like 47 hours from the U.P. while Green Bay is just down the snowmobile trail."

Obama: "You mean road."

Aide: "No, sir, I mean snowmobile trail. It's February. And while I'm on the subject, remember not to joke about spring coming soon. Remember, in the U.P. winter starts in September and lasts until, well, near as I can tell from these average temperature charts, June. So they're not even halfway through winter."

Obama: "Got it. They'll be a bit crabby then."

Aide: "Not at all, sir. Exactly the opposite. A few of them may seem a bit, um, giddy."

Obama: "Snow madness?"

Aide: "No sir, Budweiser. Now, when you look out over the crowd you'll probably notice a lot of people in plaid. Apparently it's the official color of the U.P."

Obama: "But plaid isn't a color, it's a combination of patterns and colors."

Aide: "Just roll with it, sir. Now, a word about the local vernacular. First, some terms you should be aware of. 'Chuk' or 'chook' means a stocking cap. 'Yah' means 'yes,' 'dat' means 'that,' and 'dere' means 'there.' So if you meet someone in a funny cap, you could say ?"

Obama: "Yah, dat's a fine looking chuk ya got dere."

Aide: "Exactly, but remember to add the interrogative 'eh?' to the end of every sentence. They do that up dere er, there. Even though it may sound like a question, it's not. It's just an all-purpose verbal tic, and it can mean different things in different circumstances."

Obama: "Yah, dat dere's pretty odd, eh?"

Aide: "Very good, Mr. President. Oh, and one more thing. If someone says 'Holy wuh!' or 'Holy wah!' it's not a religious expression. It means 'I'm astonished!' or 'I'm disgusted!' depending on the situation."

Obama: "Whew, this Upper Peninsula sounds like one strange, complicated place."

Aide: "You have no idea, Mr. President. That's why we rented a copy of the movie 'Fargo' for you to watch on Air Force One on the flight in. It's about North Dakota, but the accents and people are the same. Trust me, it'll help."

Dance the night away

2011-01-11T12:56:00.001-08:00

My Blackberry Won't Work

2011-01-06T10:23:00.001-08:00

This is how I ended up here.

2010-12-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

The Janitor's Revenge

2010-12-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

FINNISH FIRE DEPARTMENT

2010-12-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

One dark night outside a small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters
off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Finnish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Finlanders over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen
watched as the Finnish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Finnish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Eino Karpinen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

The Flat Frog Web Case

2010-11-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a
house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of
the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed
out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and

HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

I think I'll mow the lawn instead.

2010-11-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

The other morning was opening day of bow season for deer. As I approached my deer stand, I decided to go home and mow grass instead. - Eagle River, WI

Cheating Death - Missed By Inches

2010-11-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

This here says it all

2010-10-07T12:11:00.001-07:00

How to KILL an EEL

2010-09-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining “things” to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did and the following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother:

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, and then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. “I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found what was making them so sick – a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

“When sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’d ever seen – I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost fell off the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel.

“After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel’s are like cat’s they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!”

Mother fainted.

Dealing with Telemarketers

2010-09-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

Fishing With A Friend

2010-08-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

2010-08-04T07:26:00.001-07:00

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. "I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Vikings win the Super Bowl!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Sex with a Cowboy

2010-07-21T06:24:00.001-07:00

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a blonde New Yorker), confided to
her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a bush down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook the brisket over that Mesquite wood it's ooooh so good.
The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle
full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the
horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is
just incredible!'

Then came the big question,
'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their
back pockets I changed my mind!'

Brought to you by: Skoal

2010-07-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

Roping a Deer

2010-06-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it . . . . . it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer -- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the
feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand . . . kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts!

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying lie a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under! the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

Martian Sex

2010-05-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do..'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie weenie about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick..

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaimed, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Who's The Daddy

2010-05-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1.   Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.


2...   I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.   I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3.   I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.   If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number?   Thanks...


4.   I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5.   I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.


6.   I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.


7.   I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.


8.   Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A.   If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.....   well, I don't have clue..


9.   From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is theMagic Kingdom .


10.   So much about that night is a blur.   The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11.   I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.